Well I guess 2 and a half years is later LOL. I kind of forgot about live journal. I have been in Tennessee almost 3 yrs now. I have a house that I bought almost 2 yrs ago. I love my house. Tennessee is my home now. But I will always be a Texan .. so I guess I am a Tennaxan now LOL. I went hang gliding about a month ago. It was FANTASTIC!!! I love it. It was the best thing in the world. I have wanted to do that for so many years and now that I am 47 I felt it was time to just do it. Life isn't getting any longer.. it is getting shorter. But I am determined to enjoy it. My baby (my oldest daughter) is on dialysis now and needs a kidney transplant. She can hardly see. Her diabetes is taking its toll. I will be getting tested to see if she can have one of my kidneys. My dad is living with me, my youngest is in Houston living with her big sister taking care of her and I am no longer at Dell. I am with T-Mobile now. I am still performing my weddings, just haven't had many in a while. I think I am going to have to get a second job so that I can keep my house. I will not lose it no matter what. Well that is enough for now. I miss everyone and I will be back. Shouldn't be two and a half years again. LOL.

Laters.

Well I haven't posted in a while. I can't believe that next week on the 24th it will be a year ago that my mom died. I miss her so much. I can't believe how fast time flies. My newest granddaughter is almost 7 months old, I have a grandbaby due in January and I am seeing someone. :) I love it here in Tennessee. It is great. And I am not sitting my ass in front of this computer or the tv all the time. The guy I am seeing is great. I like him a lot. And he seems to like me alot.... (that is always a good thing ;) ) We spend a lot of time together. I am not going to give a lot of information about him right now. We have only been seeing each other about a month. I will post more about him later. I will say that I think he is a pretty good guy though. And he does put up with me LOL. So that alone says something. My next door neighbor is my best friend here. She is so great. I love her dearly. She has really helped me when times were tough. My youngest daughter has met some people from Kentucky and I take her to see them every 2 or 3 weeks. (It is only an hour and a half away). I am taking Vista training at work.. I love it.. and I am running it at home. I think it is great. Well that is enough for now. I will write more later. Promise : Laters.

Well I just wanted to say hi to everone. I think I have gotten all settled here in Tennessee. I love it here. It is beautiful. It was cold this morning when I got up. It was 43.9 degrees. Ya I know that is 44 but... what the hell that is what my weather bug said. I love the changing seasons. I didn't have real seasons back in Texas. I have made some friends. The best one is my next door neighbor. She is crazy and I love her to death. Another one is a guy from work. I really like him a lot. We get along great and have a lot in common. I went out with him and a few other of the guys from work last weekend and we had so much fun we are going to do it again tomorrow night. Kind of nice... a bunch of guys and just 2 girls. :) Can't get better odds than that. A couple of weekends ago I drove around and check out some country singer's homes.

You can see what happened
here and
some pictures also.

I have also performed a wedding here already. I hope that takes off. I really enjoy doing that. Well I just wanted to say hi and I miss everyone. I will try to post more often. Maybe. LOL. Laters.

Well I got moved. I am now living outside Nashville, Tennessee. It was a long drive. I drove the moving truck and my 16yr old daughter drove the pick up truck. She was great. I am so proud of her. Yes she did bitch some, but not a lot. I love my new house. There isn't enough cabinet space in the kitchen and the laundry room is a bit cramped, I can barely open my dryer all the way because of the water heater, but it is all good anyway. I am in a great neighborhood. I am in a town called Smyrna. LOL. Yes I go from Pflugerville to Smyrna. Guess I like weird named towns. I have not gotten everything unpacked as of yet, but it is getting better. I had to leave a lot of stuff behind because I got a truck that wasn't really big enough, but then again a lot of that stuff wouldn't have fit here. My daughter is going to go through the stuff and get rid of what isn't important and put up what is. Most of it isn't, but there were a few things I left that I wish I had. I start my new position on Monday the 10th. I am a little nervous about it but it will be fine. I also have my first wedding. I have been here less than a week and already have a wedding... YEA!!! It is in Sept but I should have the deposit before next weekend. I would really like to get that business up and going here. I was starting to get a lot of weddings before I left the Austin area. In case any of you don't know my site it is at http://www.itheewedplace.com And if you know anyone in the Nashville area getting married, send them my way :). I would really love for that to happen. I wish I could make my living off of performing weddings. I love doing it. For some reason I have been waking up very early here, every day. Like before 7 am. That is for the birds, but since I am going to have to start doing that for work, (I will be working days for a while) I guess it is a good thing. I do miss my family and my friends. Especially my little Jojo (that is my grandson Josiah) He is my little angel. When I was telling him bye, I was crying and he said Nona we will come over tomorrow (he is 4 and a half by the way) and I said I won't be here Josiah, I am moving and he said ... get this, I love this.... Don't worry Nona, we will find your house. Made me cry all that much more. He will always take care of his Nona. He is my boy. I miss him so very much. I tried to tell his mother he was going to come live with me, but she wouldn't go for that LOL. Oh well, we all have to do what we have to do. I don't know why I felt this was so important, but it was and is. I love it here already. It just feels right, well most of the time, except for the moments I have of.."Oh shit, what have I done?" LOL. It will be great. Well if any one wants a banner from my site, just let me know. I know this isn't the site for something like this, but what the hell, it doesn't hurt to say something. Have a great day everyone. It is beautiful here. Miss everyone. Maybe more later.... Laters

I haven't written in a while but decided I needed to. I have recently applied for a job transfer and I received it. I will be moving from the Austin, TX area to the Nashville, TN area. At least I stuck with a state that started with a "T" LOL. Anyway I am due to start my new position on July 10th. That is about a month away. I had a house but the guy rented it out from under me to someone else, so it is a scramble to find another one. I cleaned out my storage shed yesterday and got rid of a lot of crap. I have started packing some, but it is going real slow. I am just having a hard time with it. I have never been the "domesticated" type. I would rather mow the yard, or fix a light fixture or something like that, than do housework of any type. Which also means I am a messy person. The room I am dreading the most is my bedroom. Since my mother has died, my room has become a catch all. I moved a lot of her stuff in there so my grandson could have her room, and then any time I had anyone over, the things in the living room went into my room. So my room is piled high. Today I started on some bookshelves and got to one that was my moms. It was so hard. These were books that were precious to her. It was just a tiny little shelf, but she used it for those books that meant the most to her. I just sat there and cried going through it. For some reason today I am really missing her a lot. And I feel like a little kid, like I am never going to get this shit taken care of. When someone is with me I get more done because I am motivated, but by myself I am so slow. I will have those bookshelves done today. Come hell or high water. I have 1 in the living room, 2 in my bed room and 3 in the hallway not including my dvd shelves. Those will be just about the last ones done. I have one shelf cleared off totally already. The others should be fairly easy to get done, it is just getting off my ass and doing them. One of the ones in the hall way I told a friend of mine that I would give it to her. It is a big one. I will have to use my truck. It has a wall brace also. Oops I forgot I have another shelf in the living room. A real nice one that I am going to keep. Other than my dvd shelves it is the only bookshelf I am going to keep. It has the sliding glass doors on the front. It has all my Steven King books in them. Yes I collect them and I love most of them. Well I guess I better finish this out so I can get going. I have such a hard time with motivation. I will try to post more often. Until next time.. Laters.

Well several changes are going on in my life. First I may be transfering to a different location. I am hoping that I am. My youngest daughter really wants to go too. It is funny about a month ago I told a friend of mine that I needed to just move somewhere and just start all over but I was worried about looking for a job. About 2 weeks after that my boss told me he was transfering. I said jokingly You are leaving me again (he was my boss before he went to India a few years ago) I want to go. He said check the internal job listings. Well there were several out there for my position. So I applied. I would have never thought about it before, but that would solve looking for a job. I have been checking out homes there too. Found a few I liked. I also broke up with the guy I had been seeing for 4 yrs. I just can't keep holding on forever. We are basically at the same place in the relationship that we were 4 yrs ago. I am not totally sure that he realizes that it was a break up. I am glad to still talk to him and I still care for him so very much, and who knows, maybe when he finds his place for him, then we can start over if I am still here. I just don't know. I also found out that third shift in my department is fixing to go away in July. So it is back to days for me. I am going to work on vamping up my skills so maybe I can relocate and move up at the same time. The position I actually applied for is the same level that I am at, but that is ok. Anyway about moving, my 16 yr old daughter wants to go. Very strange I know, but she wants to. She told me to keep applying until they get so tired that they will give it to me just to get me to shut up and leave them alone LOL. Also when I have confusion in my life I will open up my bible and just read it where ever it opens up to. It mentioned a city called Noph, which some versions call Memphis. I just thought it was strange. My middle daughter doesn't want me to go, but she said maybe this will teach me to stand on my own two feet. I haven't mentioned it to my oldest daughter or my sister yet. They will fall apart. There is also someone in my life that wants to date me. I am looking forward to it. I am going to go out with him. Actually I have gone out with him once. For lunch. It was real nice. Well the bed is calling me. Time to hit it. Night everyone. Talk to you later. Laters

I have been doing pretty good on the whole. I still have moments when I feel like I am just going to fall apart at the seams. Today is my baby's 16th birthday. I was awake last night after the clock rolled to midnight. I have really been feeling my mother all day. Even after midnight when I was still awake I started feeling her real strong. I thought the only reason for it, was that she would be so proud of my baby. My baby has gone through some very hard times. She has had alchol poisoniong, she is a cutter,(she hasn't done it in a while, and yes I see the places she has cut in the past) she over dosed on tylenol, spent time in the hospital, got 54 stitiches in her arm, between her wrist and her elbow and then spent 10 days in Austin State Hospital. She in on Zoloft. She is doing fantastic thouugh. She really seems happy lately. She does her chores with out having to be reminded, she has brought all of her grades up in school, she doesn't miss school unless she is really sick. She wants to go to work (we will see) she calls in and checks up with me, she comes home when she is suppose to with in a few minutes. I honestly feel things are better with her. She is talking to me more too. Anyway, I thought I was feeling mom, because of it being my baby's birthday and how proud she would have been of her. But I just got some news that tells me that wasn't the only reason. Yes it was one of them. My best friend, we have been friends for 32 yrs, her mother died today. Mylinda,my best friend, and I have been through so much. We have so much that ties us together. Call it crazy, we do, but one day, when we were young, we were bored and we figured out, she is 5 months, 5 days, 5 hrs and 5 minutes older than I am. Her mother was born February 22, 1936, my mom was born December 17, 1936. My mom died October 24, 2005, her mom died December 11, 2005. They were born and died in the same year. They both died in their sleep. When I first met Mylinda, I was closer to her twin sister Mylana. I went to their house. For some reason my mother wasn't home, so I called my grandmother, Nanny, (my mother and I lived with her) and asked if I could spend the night. She said no and I kind of argued with her. I was 11 at the time. The twins mother decided that she didn't like me because I argued with my grandmother. We weren't allowed to hang around together any longer. But we did without her knowing about it. Well about that time I cut my hair short, it had been pretty long, and I went over there. She had no idea I was the same person. And it was ok for me to hang around each other then. Their mother was a techer at that time. After she found out who I was, we were such good friends that she knew nothing she said would make a difference, and she got to know me and liked me then. I would spend the night over there on Friday nights and on Saturday morning, no later than 8 am, her mother would storm in the room, the door would slam against the wall, and she would say, I am going to a meeting, get this God Damn house cleaned up before I get home, and she would look at me and say .. you too. and off she would go. There were times when I really didn't like that woman very much. But she was really a good person. She just had her moods. :) I grew to love her. She was another mother to me. Mylinda's dad would call me Corlinder (it is actually Colinda) just playing around with me. I became known as the 3rd twin since we were together so much. We met the first day of 6th grade in PE. We use to make a kind of rhyme about how the names went where we were sitting, there was Tammy, Colinda, Mylana, Mylinda, and Jan. We would make a beat out of the first 4 and then drop our voices when we said Jan. Mylinda got me my first real job. It was a liquor and wine distributor. We would go out together after work on friday nights. We both had 3 children. a year or so apart. But our last ones were born one week to the day apart. Both of us had girls, my third, her first and only. Her other two were boys. Mylinda is my sister of my heart. Of my choice. As much as I love my sister, I am closer to Mylinda than I am to my sister. But my sister and I are getting closer and I am very happy about that. Mylinda's husband is a good friend of mine too. I remember one day we were working and she was running the switchboard and I was up there talking to her and one of our salesmen. Her husband came in, said hi to her and kissed me, brother kiss btw LOL, talked to us a while and left. The sales man looked and me and asked me if that was my husband. I said no, he is her husband. The look on his face is unforgetable. We still laugh about it. Mylinda was there for me when I needed her. I remember one time I got shit face drunk, and she held my hair for me while I got sick. As much as my heart breaks for her, it makes me miss my momma that much more. My momma would be proud of me. I am keeping things taken care of. Slow, but I do them. Two close, special people have left my life this year. And next year a new life will be joining us. My middle daughter is pregnant with her second child. Her first is my oldest grandchild, a boy, and he is 4. We are hoping she has a little girl. She has come up with 2 different names that she likes for a girl. Jaden or Addison. I like Addison a lot. Right after my mom died I dreamed that the baby was a girl and she was named Addison Cay. My middle name is Kay. I am always kidding my daughter and asking about Addison Cay. I acutally say the ultra sound of the baby 2 days after my mom died. It was something I needed very much then. So the circle of life continues. I still hurt, and will for a long time to come. I was very close to my momma. But neither my mom, nor Mylinda's mom are suffering any longer. And they both did suffer. Her mother had cancer real bad and was in the early stages of Alzhiemers. She had just recently been put in a nursing home because her father couldn't take care of her any longer. She was a big woman and she was falling all the time just before she went into the nursing home. He couldn't hardly get her up by himself. He hated doing it, but he had to. When Mylinda called me, I felt real bad because I can't go to her mothers funeral. It is too far and I have no time off from work left. I told her to tell her father I love him. Make sure you tell him Corlinder loves him. And I told her how much I loved her. We have all heard of Soul Mates, She is my Soul Sister. To anyone that has ever lost anyone they love, my thoughts and prayers are with you always. It never goes away, it never stops hurting, but it does get better. I know because of my husband dying. That is part of what keeps me going. Momma wanted me to be happy and to go on. And I have my kids, and my grandkids and my adopted kids (friends of my kids that are like my kids) and another grandkid on the way. Even though it will never be perfect, my life is good. Even though I miss my mom. It is. It really is. And my momma taught me that. No matter what, appreciate what you have. And I have it all. I am so very rich. And not with money either. I would like to wish each and everyone of you a Happy Holiday what ever you may practice. And I am thinking about you and sending warm wishes.

love
Colinda

I know I haven't written in a while. I haven't felt like it. My mother passed away on October 24, 2005 at 11:15pm. I was with her. She became unconcious earlier. Before she because unconsious, I was dozing by her bed and she woke me up reaching for me. I sat up and said what momma what do you want and she said I just want to touch your face. And a little while later out of the clear blue sky she said You know what... I really love you. It wasn't long after that she lost consiousness. I have that memory of my mother thinking of me there at the end. I am one that has always been totally sure of my mothers love for me. I have never questioned that or doubted that. People always told me that my sister was her favorite and it was ok with me because I knew she loved me just as much as she loved her. As much as she possibly could. And even more really. I find my self trying to go tell my mother things. And she isn't there. I still talk to her all the time, but I don't hear her talking back to me and I can't see her face. I can see it in my mind. But not with my eyes. At times my heart aches so much, I am not sure how I can stand it. But God took care of her and she is not suffering any more. How can I be sad about that? I just feel empty sometimes. I miss the time I shared with her. My mother and I were very close. I could tell her joking around to kiss my ass and she would laugh at me. or she would try to kiss my face when I would say that. My mother bless her heart, was good as gold. She wanted to do things around the house for me. She wanted to clean and cook and stuff like that. She liked doing that. Which was a good thing because I didn't like it LOL. But she left it to me, and I am doing my best to take care of everything. I still have my dad, but I don't really feel so much like a little girl any more now that my momma is gone. At times I do, and I cry and want my mommy. Yes like a little girl I want my mommy. But she is still with me. She is everywhere I look in this house. The apples in the kitchen that she loved so much, The computer that I use on a daily basis, the one I use to write this journal. I look at my youngest daughter and I see my mom, because Alyssa looks a lot like my mom did, except Alyssa is a little more weird LOL. I see it her in the mirror every time I look, because of all the love she gave me, all the things she taught me, all she passed down to me. And it is funny because it is the little things that set me off crying and upset. I put up some curtains the other day that she had wanted put up, and I cried like a baby because I didn't put them up before she died. A yellow hostess cupcake set me off one time. Those are hard to find, and we always shared a package of them. I had one and I went to give her one of them and she wasn't there. A magazine that came in the mail that she always looked for to read and didn't get to because it came after she died. Things like that just get to me. And her one month of having passed away fell on thanksgiving day this year. And the day before thanksgiving this year was 8 yrs that my husband has passed away. I had gotten to where that date was smooth, but not this year. Not with them being right next to each other. I did have a big thanksgiving dinner on saturday after thanksgiving. My momma would have been so proud of me. It was the first time I had ever fixed a turkey and made a big dinner like that. Or hosted a get together. I made turkey, dressing, green beans, corn, sweet potatoes with marshmellows on it, and rolls. I fixed a carrot cake, a pumpkin pie, a chocolate pie and a pineapple pie and made tea. I did the whole 9 yards. And I did it by myself too. And it turned out good. The turkey was good, the dressing was great and the pineapple pie wasn't runny. I woke up late saturday morning and I am very emotional right now, I wanted this day to kind of honor my mother, and I was having problems with the dressing, and I called my sister and woke her up crying. I didn't mean to but I scared her. I just needed moral support that I couldn't get from my mother anymore. It's funny. My sister is almost 8 yrs older than I am, but most of our lifes it has been like I have been the big sister. Saturday she was really the big sister. And I love her so much for it. I needed a big sister that day. Everyone thinks I am so strong and stuff, but I really am not. I just have to pretend to be, because everyone else always counts on me and I know I have to be there for them. I don't really have anyone to be strong for me. But she was that day. A day I really needed it. My momma is looking down from Heaven at me and she is proud. Just like I would want her to be. Before she died she told me not to cry. I told her mom that would be like asking the sun not to rise. And we kind of chuckled about it. Before she died, she would sometimes joke about it. I told her one time she couldn't die while I was gone. I had to be with her. She said what you don't want me stinking up your trailer. LOL. My mother was a trip. I remember one time my youngest daughter had a rock. My middle daughter was there too. Mom asked Alyssa what she was doing with a sex stone. and Alyssa said what... mom said a sex stone... its a fucking rock. LOL I laughed so hard my sides hurt. It was mainly the look on Alyssa and Amber's faces. They couldn't believe that their grandma had said that. Moms kitty cat still goes around the house looking for her. I tell him that I know I miss her too and no she isn't coming back. And he will settle on my lap and lay there. Anyway I just wanted to update everyone on what was going on. I want to thank everyone that has written me and thought about me in my time of need. I really appreciate it and I love you all

I will write more later. Not sure when but I will. Laters

Colinda

My mom is in the hospital. She went in about 3am on Wednesday morning. Everyone was saying that she wasn't going to come home this time. I stayed the night Wednesday night and late Wednesday she started doing real good. As a matter of fact her doctor told me "She's Back" LOL. My sister and my oldest daughter came to see her from out of town. I haven't gotten much sleep and was pretty much exhausted so I came home Thursday evening to shower and relax. Then I got the scare of my life. I tried to call mom and got no answer in her room so I called the nurse (this was about 945) and she told me she was pronounced at 930 I screamed and hollered at her and then called my aunt and screamed at her telling her my mom was dead. My mommy. What would I do without my mommy. I then tried to call my daughter to take me up there and my cell phone rang and it was mom telling me to go home. Can you imagine what it was like to think someone is dead and then get a call from them. It is very weird I can tell you that. Seems that that nurse (who was Indian I think) just lost a patient named Linda and misunderstood me (My real name is Colinda). I still have the shakes. I am so upset but I am so glad it isn't mom. I just can't believe it. I called my aunt and told her mom was still alive and explained what happened to her. Then I called mom back and she and I had a good talk. She told me that I was strong and that I would be ok when it did happen. I told her I don't want you to suffer anymore mom and when it is time don't you think of anyone but you and when you are ready then go. It was a good talk I tell you that. It is now 1045 and I am just now really starting to calm down. I was thinking about going into work tonight for a couple of hours. Guess it is a good thing I didn't. Everything happens for a reason and that is the reason I didn't go into work. But I have no idea why there was a mix up. I might find out and I might not. But I sure hope to hell it never happens again. I mean I know she is going to die, but I hope that there is never a mix up like that again. I am not saying I want my mom gone. Make no mistake, I do not want her gone. It is just a fact of life that it is going to happen. Well I know I don't write that much any more, but I guess I write important stuff in my life. Isn't that what we need. To be able to let go of the major/important things. Well maybe more later. Later. its later now. LOL it is Friday 1220am and my uncle sent me an email which I put on a web page that helped me.

Better

laters

***** Just to add a note. I know that the nurse didn't mean to do what she did. It didn't make me feel any better, but I know that she just got mixed up. I have forgiven this woman and hold no grudge. *****

Have you ever watched someone slowly die? It isn't a pretty picture. I sit here and see my mom slowly dying every day. She has COPD and is on oxygen 24/7. For those of you that smoke(I include myself) PLEASE STOP!!!!!! I fight it every day. My mom almost died the first of July and I have seen her make a little up hill since then(when my daughter was in the hospital) but since my daughter has been home it has been down hill. Her feet have swelled and she falls asleep sitting up. In the middle of being on the computer. I sit here watching her sleep in her office chair, at the computer, jerking and talking in her sleep. Knowing there isn't a damn thing in this world I can do. A nurse I talked to said this was a normal progression of her disease. She says things that don't make sense and then doesn't remember saying them, so she has no idea what she meant. Put her in a nursing home some say, no way. This is my momma and damn it I will take care of her. What ever it takes. Even if it about kills me to do it. She always took care of me. I will take care of her to the end. Which I do not think will be very long. I hate to say that, but I think it is so. I have no idea what I will do without my mommy. She has always been there for me and supported me and loved me no matter what. And she has always made me bacon and egg sandwiches and fried okra :). Ya anyone can do that... but my mommy did it with so much love. I have always been the strong one of the family. I have always had to hold everyone else up, but I feel myself slipping. Down a deep, dark hole. Feeling so little and helpless and weak. I get like this and I should be thinking about stopping smoking, but I grab another one. It is almost like it helps me get through some of this. I know that is crazy but that is how it feels. My daughter is going to come over and spend a little time with her, and bring her son so that he can spend some time with his GG (that is what he calls his great grandma). I am not sure I want him around her much after this if she continues on this path, which I am sure she will. I don't want him to see all this. I want him to remember his GG the way she was, not the way she is. She woke up and seems coherent. But she wakes up for her breathing treatment and we will see if she goes right back to sleep. Please tell those that you love, that you love them, please show,tell or what every every day. Today may be the last. I know that all too well, especially after my husband died so quickly, and unexpectedly and now watching my mother slowly die. I am going to go for now. Maybe I will post more later. Laters me.

I sit here waiting for you to wake up, just to type to me. To say hi. To acknowledge me. To know I am alive and I exist.

I sit here waiting for you to call up, just to speak to me. To call my name. To whisper to me. To know I am alive and I exist.

I sit here waiting for you to show up, just to face me.. To look into my eyes. To gaze upon my soul. To know I am alive and I exist.

I sit here waiting for you, just to put your arms around me. To feel me. To touch my heart. To know I am alive and I exist.

I sit here waiting for you, just to kiss me. To feel your lips on me. To feel your breath on my face. To know I am alive and I exist.

I sit here waiting for you to just make love to me. To feel your body pressed to me. To feel your soul merge with mine. To know we are alive and we exist.



I have no idea where that came from but out of the blue it came. There was no stopping it once it started. Yes there was a little tweaking after it was finished but it is mainly exactly how it came out.

I am hormanal right now. Things that normally don't bother me, bug the shit out of me. Things get into my crawl and don't get out. These are stupid silly not worth it things. I know how I get when I get hormonal too. I get mean, cruel, vindictive and just a royal bitch. Even knowing these things, my control sometimes is just out of my reach. Some times I admit I don't want to reach it either. 95 to 98% of things that upset me when I am like this, shouldn't. I have been really working lately on not letting the stupid shit get to me. Well I failed today. To begin with I am working on stopping smoking. I ran out of cigs about 1am Monday morning. Shortly after that is when I became hormonal.(Ah hell I started my period) and those two things combined really make me bitchy. I have still been smoking some, but haven't bought any until today. After 30 yrs it is hard to just walk away from them. Today I fell off the wagon big time. I bought a pack and have smoked almost half of it already. I found out today I am a jinx. Didn't know this before. I know it know. I am a jinx. Someone felt that they couldn't tell anyone anything because it would jinx it. They applied a week ago for a position. Had the first interview on Monday and the second one today. I was speaking with them today and they told me they had a meeting in a few. I stated something to the fact of oh shit is it just you or is it a team meeting or what. He said just him. I was like well I hope everything is ok. He said we will know later. Ok he let me believe he may possibly be getting into trouble for something. He let me worry about it. He knew I was worrying about it. And he still let me think that. Now yes this is a little thing. I have been fighting it but it got into my crawl and it won't go away. I am so pissed about this. I am a jinx. Why would anyone want a jinx in their life? I wouldn't want a jinx in my life. I don't know anyone that would. But I am a jinx. So I guess that means there will be lots of things I don't get told, so I don't "jinx" it. No fucking way for a relationship. And I have been told I am avoided when I am like this so... I didn't get an email from them after they got home until 2 hrs after they had gotten off work. I understand 30 to 45 min to get home and maybe 15 20 min to sit down and unwind a few. Maybe. But no It is 2 hrs after work instead of about an hour. So I was being avoided tonight too. Then I confront this person and they say that it was suppose to be a surprise. This is after I called the to the fact I was a jinx. Yes I know this is stupid shit right now, but right now I don't care. It has crawled in and pissed me off royally. I fought it at first, but I wouldn't take a detour and go somewhere else and not into my crawl. It had to be there. I don't know why but it did. So I get to rant and rave about it. It won't go away until I let it go, and the only way to let it go is to let it out, and that is pissed. Wish I didn't get upset by such stupid little stuff, but sometimes stupid little stuff leads to big stuff. Or is signs of other things. Ya I am pissed but I will be ok. It will pass. But just not yet. Not sure if I want it to pass yet. I am hurt, and when I am hurt, I don't want the pissed to pass for a while. Don't like to be hurt. Especially over stupid stuff. well maybe more later.

Laters.

My daughter sent me this and then I saw it on Aronal's journal. I liked it a lot. It just kind of reaches out and grabs ya.

find the guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep
wait for the one who kisses your forehead
who wants to show you off to the world...when you are in your sweats
who holds your hand in front of his friends
who thinks your just as pretty without makeup on
wait for the one who is constantly reminding you
how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you
wait for the one who turns to his friends and says "thats her"


I want that... (of course I don't mind being called hot at times either, just like it to go with all this other stuff)

Well maybe more later.

Laters
me

Well it is after midnight so I should state that this happened yesterday(Saturday June 18, 2005, but I have not gone to bed yet, so if I say today you will know what I mean.

Well I went to Dallas early this morning. Today is his birthday and I wouldn't get to see him. Things went great in Dallas and I busted my ass to get home, so I could spend some time with him at least online. I got home, showered and got on line and talked to him for a while. Then he said he was going out. That is cool. Did he invite me....NO. He just leaves. I have no problem with him going out, it is his birthday, but I did make an effort so we could spend time together. This is the 3rd year that we have been seeing each other /known each other and we have never been able to get together on his birthday. Needless to say this pisses me off. I send him a nasty message that states, sorry I couldn't join you ... but I wasn't invited. After I sent it I thought Fuck it!! I am going up there anyway(yes I knew where he was going). I showed up. Walked in. He was very surprised. Again I was very ugly and stated thought I would show up even though I wasn't invited. He said someone else asked me the same thing. I said never mind and turned around and started walking out. He kept saying come back, come back in here, don't do this here and he practically dragged me back in. I said I am not doing this here I was leaving. Then we get back to the bar and I proceed to tell him how I feel, hurt that I busted my ass to get back to spend time with him even if it was online. Of course he was real apologetic. We finally got to a spot we were ok. We talked some, not a lot because it was karaoke night and it was very loud. He finally finished his drink and we went out side to talk. We had a good talk. Then he brought up my smoking. First he said I know you don't like when I do this but I have to. It scares me. I see your mother in 20, 30, 40, what ever years. Struggling to breath, and there won't be a damn thing I can do about it, but just watch you. I can look at your face and see it 20 years from now and I will still want to kiss it, but I don't want to have to remove an oxygen mask to do it. (this is the part that blew me away) then he states I swore I would never end up like that, I swore I would never be a part of something like that, and then I met you, and we just seemed to click. And look at me now. I want to love you, and hugs you and I will even die with you, I want to love with you, to cry with you and even try with you. (that is the part) I sat there with tears rolling down my face. Out of everything anyone has ever said to me that moved me like nothing else. I felt his love in those moments. He also said he was willing to change his life for me. I don't believe I have ever been loved to that extent. And I have been loved. I have been thinking about quiting smoking lately, and that just makes me want to do it that much more. I can't make promises that I am not sure I can keep,but I think I am going to try. I don't want him to suffer with me. I don't want him to suffer for me. I think I have found someone very special. (Well I always thought that, this just kind of reinforces it). I just had to share that.

maybe more later

Laters
me

On the whole today was a good day. I was with him. He came over and we went to his friends to game. No I don't game, I just went. I knew one of the friends from work a long time ago, but didn't really know him, if that makes sense. Anyway. I talked with the wife in the kitchen for a while. It was nice knowing he was just in the next room. It was like being a family. It was great until his daughter got bit by a dog. She was taken to the emergency room for stitches. I ended up driving his truck up to the hospital. There was just such a closeness today that I can't explain. It was so crystal clear where I stood. It was a moment of clarity. I can't say I will always see things so clear, but I did today. I am a part of him. By his choice. I knew how he felt and what he wanted. Me. I don't know if that makes sense or not but that is the way it was. I had absolutely no insecurities today. I knew where I stood with him. When I told him that, he said it sounded so subserviant. I didn't mean it that way. I just knew how important I was to him. His daughter ended up getting 8 stitches 3 regular ones in her top lip and 4 dissolvable ones and one regular one in her bottom lip. Told her if anyone said anything to her about a fat lip to say no thank you I already have one :). Then she invited me to have dinner with her dad and her. I had to babysit tonight though and there was also another obstacle to that. Those of you that know us, know what it is. I know I seem to be going on and on about it, but today I knew I was his girlfriend. His partner. His other half. I just knew. I knew it better then than I do now. But I could see this afternoon. Today we belonged together. It was felt, it was known, it just was. And I can't describe the feeling it gave me. I'm not sure if he felt what I felt, but he felt something. I was more than content today. I was happy. (Well except for his daughter getting bit). I was very worried about her. But she is a trooper. But I really think we will make it now. More than I have ever believed it and I have always believed it. (well there were moments of doubt, but very little). He talked to her yesterday and they both have agreed it is over. Just a matter of her finding a job and a place in florida. Life is looking up.
Maybe more later.

Laters.
me

Well I went with him to pick up his daughter from the babysitter. We waited until almost 9pm for them. They said that they tried to get her to give them the number (they didn't take it with them) but it was the wrong number. Anyway, I went back to the house with him and helped get her ready and into bed. It has been a long time since I have tucked a little (well she isn't so little but compared to my girls she is little) girl into bed. It was nice. He had told me Saturday he had something to give me. I had no idea what he was taking about and tonight I had forgotten about it. Well he pulls out this beautiful pink rose, hands it to me and walks off. I do get kind of teary. It was beautiful. I said come back here, you can't just hand that to me and walk off... and he said kind of laughing, yes I can. I loved it. It meant so very much to me. He was doing something romantic for me and was kind of not sure of himself at the same time. He means the world to me. He is very special. This was so unexpected, which made it almost perfect. Maybe more later.

Laters.

Me

We dance a dance around a circle
Never in it at the same time.
I am in, you are out,
You are in I am out.
Kind of a mating dance.
To be whole we both need to be in the circle at the same time
You push I pull,
I push you pull
Will the balance ever be there.
Will we ever meet in the middle.
Or will we forever be at odds
To kneel before each other
With the never ending circle around us
A circle that has no beginning
And has no end.
Will we ever be like that.
To kneel and pledge to be like that circle
To hold each others hands
To look into each others eyes.
To be one with each other…..
No beginning and no end
In the circle of life.